Protect yourself: The proper use of a Brick

[TheMadScientist]

Worried that a burglar is looting, raping, pillaging your property, or even your pudding?!?  Fearful that those nasty, burly male nurses are going to give you an enema?  Learn how to protect yourself, using common household items, such as the common brick!  Learning seminar series on the topic includes:  Choices, choices; How to choose the Brick that works best with you, and increase feng shui in your household!, or Swing, batta, batta; Correct use of a brick in combat.  These seminars are FREE to our residents here at Shady Oaks, and now to Veterans!  Hope to see you there, but till next time, shoot low and kick hard!

[Hickabilly]

i am sorry scientist, while i am sure a brick is very effective in the hands of a trained professional, i prefer to stil with my .44 Mag, its idiot proof, point toward enemy, pull trigger.


that being said, i would be interested to know just HOW to use a brick to greatest effect, especially against multiple targets (and other household items as well.)

[Mr. Blackjaw]

I have a custom-made leather holster for concealment of my brick. I also keep one hidden under my alarm clock radio.

A brick in the fridge meat drawer is another useful place to keep one. Nothing worse than being caught off guard while attending to a midnight craving of drinking OJ straight from the container in the Shady cafeteria kitchen while nude. Danger can strike in the form of a money-hungry relative on your short inheritance list that has come for an unexpected visit. You notice they are carrying a new pillow from Bed, Bath and Beyond. The kind that says, "Made with a super thin plastic membrane for faster suffocation of the elderly relative who stands in your way of financial security." The brick in the meat drawer is your only friend at the moment.

When dirty hippies tried to squat on my land, who saved the day...brick did.

Thank you brick.

[Shorty]

I would prefer a learning seminar on the use of a steel spatula. Seems like it would be a better choice then a brick.

How is the steel Spatula better then a brick. Well let me try to show you.

Steel Spatula                                                                            Brick
Easier to conceal                                                                       Rather heavy and bulky
Easy to sharpen for stabbing, slashing, hacking                               Why even bother to sharpen not Practical
Use as a throwing weapon                                                           Use as a Throwing weapon
Use to flip a pancake                                                                  Not even possible


As you can see the spatula is far superior to the brick except for one area, use as a Throwing weapon.

Yes the brick can be used as a throwing weapon, but your adversary must be rather close due to the weight of the brick unless your Roger Clemens. All you can hope for is a good blow to the head of your adversary to knock him out or if your lucky split his skull so his brains leak out.

On the other hand the steel spatula can be thrown easier and further due to its weight. If properly sharpened you could take your adversary out many ways when thrown.

For example
A piercing blow to the chest cavity
A glancing blow to the jugular 
A piercing blow to the head

I could go on and on how the steel spatula could inflict wounds or death to your adversary, but I will stop and let you decide.

Steel spatula FTW

[Prezimonto]

I can't wait to see Scientist's responses... or Mr. Fluffy's.